the world is upside down but the sky isn’t falling. the earth makes its usual rotation around the sun. covid-19 is some shit(excuse the language or not) i’ve never seen before. i lost my job on the 28th of march. it was so surreal. i felt a sense of relief, a bit of uneasiness and worry because my world had also been turned upside down. millions of other people are in a similar situation. the unceremonious firings don’t compare to the death that i’ve seen recently. thousands of people gone in a matter of weeks. this is a watershed moment for humanity.

every morning started with the same routine: check for a cough, a sore throat and shortness of breath. the fear of catching covid-19 has worn off but i still fear for the safety of others. it worries me that society is so consumed with self that common courtesy is an out of date notion that no longer applies today. the idea of a greater good has been exposed as a myth. deep breath. the mind can wander into darkness if you let it. i used to distract myself from the perils of the present with visions of the future. i lay in my bed day dreaming of being in a larger, much more comfortable bed, in a house in the hills wrapped in a comforter so expensive that i’m embarrassed to tell my parents the price. my desires seem frivolous now.

an overpriced house in the hills and the woman of my dreams are still high on my wish list. there’s nothing wrong with high standards. like the poet spenzo once said,”everything designer. bitch, i’m stylin’.” but to derive happiness from material things or aesthetically pleasing people would be a mistake, a mistake i would’ve happily made months ago. since march 28th, i’ve been wondering how i can build my life around the things and the people that bring me joy. i planned to move to los angeles before i lost my job. april 1st was the day that i’d planned to send my two weeks notice. i fantasized about quitting in an epic jerry maguire fashion. i backpedaled out the door, one middle finger raised while the other hand aggressively cups my genitals. it would’ve been a hell of a show but my conscious would’ve beaten me over the head until i properly apologized.

the first few weeks were rough, but i’m beginning to adjust to the new normal. at first i couldn’t find motivation to do anything because the entire world paused. every time i tried to write something i thought, what’s the point? people are dying everywhere and there isn’t a way to prevent the spread of the virus. civilization as we know it may be over and i’m racking my brain for 1,000 words about the 2015 chicago bulls.

after easter, my anxiety began to dissipate. it was something about the sun shining through my window, waking me up for another day. my day started with gratitude instead of gloom and doom. as the world continues to revolve around the sun, i’ve given myself permission to think about the future. i still plan on going to los angeles in a few months (or whenever the shelter in place order is over) but with different intentions. to find out what makes me, Kelvin, truly happy. what kind of work? what kind of spouse? what do i like to talk about or what would i like to learn about? who am i outside of this comfort zone i’ve confined myself to? i’d love to know. a mere change of locations won’t lead me to the answers i’m looking for but it’s definitely a start.