30 Piece.

Tell me you love me while you still can. I won’t be here forever nor will I always want to hear it. I’m easy to please, if only you’d listen to me. Talk to me nice or..It could be so simple. Big 30 Piece got my body feelin’ different. The gym has become one of my better friends, I don’t know if that’s sayin’ more about me or them. When I wanted to go corporate, God had better plans. My ambitions rest down a dark path, with your light to guide me. I’m not the person that I used to be.

Backbends and mental gymnastics just to hang. Real and fake like oil and water or capitalism and liberation. I’m a bigger pretender without the makeup. You don’t know me like you think you do. Know me through the art, it’s where I hide my love. Ripped sleeves taught me to hide what I hold dear. Life is fragile but I was overprotective, too afraid to lose it. I surrender, like a stiff gun barrel is pressed against my spine. My hands in the air, with only my life to give.

I was driven here by Vengeance but Love will carry me to the end. Enough soulmates for several lifetimes, I’m falling in love with art instead. Fictional heartache feels like the real thing until the closing credits. Use me for what you need, then leave me be. Reality is the one I see in my mind, not the one they sold me. Ships across choppy seas to the promise land, that’s what we prayed for. The stories we tell are too important to me but a house in the hills will surely ease the stress. Chewing gum until its powder, but they’ll never see me sweat. Empty paper cups sprawled all over the floor, halftime is almost over.

Certified Lover Boy.

I remember when I bought you those YSL’s and I told my dog I would make you my girl. These days you’re globetrotting as a businesswoman. And I’m just a Certified Lover Boy writing you letters. I would ask where you go, my lovely, but Instagram told me. This week its an all inclusive in Mexico. Last month it was LA. When you dipped, you left a whole in my heart the size of a billboard in your favorite city.

Do you remember me? Your boy toy from around the way. Its been so long but your beauty is unchanged. You’re still out of my league and I’ll still do anything for your love. Wish you could see me now. My hair a little longer for you to run your fingers through. My grip a little tighter for a handful of heaven, yeah, I remember. 

Another Lifetime.

In another lifetime, I found the love of my life and didn’t spoil it. In this life, I might’ve found her but, this version of myself wasn’t ready. Often I stare at my shoes, because my head is heavy from holding regret. There are thousands of things that I’ve done wrong but only a handful I’d change in a heartbeat. Our ending is one I wish I could fix. (I hope the love of my life is reading this) Know that our time in this life is something I cherish and will never regret. 

journal entry #20: young boy gone.

God has blessed me with another year of life. after the last eight months, i’m more appreciative. my back pain tells me that my young boy days are over. i’ve allowed myself space to just be. most of my relationships are built on an old foundation. in high school, i loved to dance. yes, i was a dancing ass nigga. it was fun plus it helped me be social. Those days are so far gone. I dance for my own amusement still, but no longer to impress others. its hard for people to understand that i’m not the kid in high school anymore.

these days i refuse to force myself to do things that i don’t want to do. i’m accepting that i don’t move like everyone else. when i was a kid, being an outsider meant that i was doing something wrong. i worried so much about being liked, that i had to stop or i’d drive myself crazy. i learned at Howard that its impossible for everyone to like me. i let my hair grow. i stopped wearing labels. i stopped trying to be liked. i had my bros at howard so i was always good.

after howard, i was a small fish in a big pond again. those old feelings returned. being liked mattered again. i wanted to make everyone around me comfortable because this city is too big to navigate without friends. my friends held me down so crazy and i love them for that. at the top of the year i made my mind up. i’m leaving chicago. and i planned on it. i still have the plane ticket. but my journey was paused when covid-19 gripped the world by the throat. i had plenty of time to think.

i thought about who i am and where i wanted to be. did i want to write? did i want to still be a filmmaker? i had to sit still, shut off the phone, read, learn. i haven’t been this selfish in a while but i’ve learned some things:

• i’m a writer.

• i’m a filmmaker. 

• i’m a business owner. 

bigger than the professional, i had to get my personal together. i stopped dating for the sake of dating. i’ve recounted my steps to see how my past relationships went wrong. i made mistakes that make me cringe to think about. that dude is unrecognizable. i also realized that not everything is my fault and i don’t have to be punished with unhappiness. i’ve denied myself so much because i felt like i didn’t deserve it. now, i’m off that shit because i want it all. i walked around with years of regret but starting today, i’m hanging regret up in the closet. I’ll keep it around as a reminder of where i’ve been because i never wanna go back.